HOMO GENIUS
From Idiot King: Hey, Network, as a haven for all things disturbing, I’m hoping you can help me out. OK, I don’t want this to sound weird and probably homophobic, but can people please stop using the men’s bathrooms on the West Bank as a meeting ground for gay sex? Net: West, no. East, letsgettiton! I just sat down in the men’s room in a certain building with Network folded up and ready to go Net: For reading or otherwise? If the former, you have our thanks. If the latter, might we recommend some Desitin? while I was “takin’ a grumpy” when someone came in and sat down in the stall next to mine. It made me think of a Daily police report I read last year about some guy tapping his foot on the foot next to his trying to proposition sex, and I kind of chuckled. Net: Your “chuckle” was likely interpreted as a sign of giddy anticipation. Try a snort, or perhaps a guffaw next time. Then this dude starts to move his foot next to mine, and I’m thinking, “Huh, this really is like that police report,” but still didn’t think too much of it. All of a sudden, he drops a piece of toilet paper into my stall with a note that said “I like to suck c**k.” Net: Holy moly! People censor their tawdry little notes outside of Networkia, too? I wiped and ran. Look — if you’re gay, that’s OK with me. I’m straight but not narrow, you know? Net: Be careful; it might be the “narrow,” so to speak, in which your devil-may-care friend was interested. But when I’m trying to get a good poop out before my midterm, the last thing I want is some guy coming on to me (no pun intended). So I make this call out to the Network-reading public Net: All seven of you — please keep the propositions for gay sex out of the West Bank bathrooms. Write to Dr. Date. Go to the Gay 90’s. Read the City Pages personals. Something. Anything. But if that ever happens again, I’m having someone arrested for sexual harassment, OK? Net: There you go again, playing hard to get.
RUN, BILLY, RUN!
From Shasta McNasty: What’s up, everybody? Net: Besides Idiot King‘s guard, very little. There isn’t much going on here. Since I am still depressed the Gophers lost on Saturday, I have just been sitting here watching “Global Beat” on MTV while it’s muted and playing music by Blink 182 and the Bloodhound Gang, pretending that the MTV dancers are dancing to it. Net: That sounds about as fun as a blowtorch enema. It is really fun to do, and it kinda raises the spirits a little bit. So, anyway, while sitting here, I have also been thinking about some new plays that coach Glen Mason (the Alpha Male) and his staff can call to give the offense a little boost so that maybe we can win our Homecoming game and hopefully get the crucial sixth win. Net: And then we can all book our flights to the WeedEaterRentaCarChickenNuggetPCStrawberryBanana Bowl in Bumblebutt, Alabama. Big mickey-frickin’ deal. Here’s one that I thought of: Give the ball to No. 5 and let him run with it, and we should be able to win with that.
F&@k that! My God, how many times can Billy-boy run on third and 16 and hope to get a first down? Net: There’s a Schnelker lurking about, wethinks. If this is the offense we bring the rest of the year, our team’s gonna be stayin’ here while practically every other team in the Big Ten goes to a bowl game. Net: Yes, but they’re all such fine, upstanding young men. Where’s your school spirit? (If you need some, a certain freshperson has plenty to spare.) I don’t know how anyone can be a fan of a team that has absolutely no offense except for Thomas Hamner Net: We never thought in a million years we would see the preceding phrase in print, but BABES AND KNAVES
we can’t rely on him to turn into Ron Dayne, now, can we? I’ll be at the game Saturday, but I hope that Cockerham can pull his head out of his ass and pass the G.D. ball more than 11 times in a game! Net: Actually, it’s the two completions part that hurts.
From Change Edwards: Ho Network! Net: Either that’s a typo or we’ve been libeled. I have a hypothesis that I would like to share with the Network community. In the three-plus years I have been attending the University Net: Still a freshperson, huh? Tough luck, I have watched the girl-to-boy ratio remain at roughly 1:16 — at least in Computer Science, and the Institute of Technology in general. But as I sat in lab the other day (CS 4204 — otherwise known as the Hall of Geekdom), I realized that this ratio had dropped to roughly 1:5! That’s right! There were about 7 to 10 hotties within spittin’ distance! Net: Well, then, hawk one up and let ‘er fly! As I sat there pondering what they could possibly be doing there, since most looked completely dumbfounded Net: We don’t suppose they could have been bored because, of course, the subject matter in CS 4204 must be positively riveting, I decided they must be trolling for husbands. Net: Either that or they’re anthropology students doing field research on the
NO BANK YOU
de-evolution of humans. I heard the other day that the University has raised the admissions standards for girls so now they must rate at least an 8 out of 10 on the cuteness scale to be admitted. Is this true? Net: If what you’re saying is true … then we still don’t care. Has anyone else noticed this? CS majors?
From One Pissed Off Mamacita: Net: OlÇ! Whoever’s ass TCF is kissing at this University needs to answer to the public. How many times will we let ourselves be screwed over by banking fools at TCF? Net: Thirteen or 14 more times, tops. Today I waited in line to fix one of their mistakes with my check card while two tellers chatted about making tapioca pudding. Net: A highly underrated choice, followed closely by pistachio. They might have a wonderful time listening to John Tesh while sitting on their asses, but, unlike them, the rest of the world has things to do. I was then given a number to call, put on hold and redirected back to the bank I was originally at. Ever hear of a thing called customer service? Better yet, do you know why you have a job? It is because of the people who bank with you. Net: And the nincompoop who hired you. Treat us with respect. Treat us like you deserve our business. I urge the readers to please share your horror stories with Net. Net: Gee, thanks. Relate your agony — and, hey, you might even feel compelled enough to write a haiku.