LINCOLN, Neb. (U-WIRE) — I just read the most amazing book of my life. Goodbye Jack Kerouac. So long John Milton and Alice Walker. The lessons you’ve taught me pale in comparison to the lesson I’ve learned in Hugh Morris’s “How to Make Love.”
Does this sound too good to be true? Well it’s not. I have the 32-page pamphlet o’ power right here in my hand.
It is the ultimate relationship guide, written in 1936 from one man’s warped conservative perspective of how men and women are to treat one another. Or, rather, how men are supposed to treat the “lesser sex.”
This wealth of cleverly shielded misogynistic material gives pointers all the way from dating tips to late marriage anxiety causes — usually precipitated when the woman “has a headache.”
When I first received a copy of this book from my awe-inspiring friend Becca, I couldn’t believe the atrocities contained within. But now these atrocities have become a way of life for me, and I hope they bring you as much joy — and chicks — as they do for me.
I can only hope that you embrace these words with the fervor that I have. Allow me to show you the light through a series of “really great quotes.”
The foreword to Hugh’s witticism starts by telling the reader: “When the first man looked upon the first woman and was satisfied with her, that was when love began. And that was millions of years ago, if we are to believe our scientists.”
Well, I don’t know about you; I’m much more willing to believe Hugh than any scientist on earth, but I sure am glad that Adam dug Eve.
I bet she didn’t even get to tell God that Adam had dirty teeth and that he had an extremely hairy back. All that mattered was that Eve was lookin’ fine for Adam. To continue: “There is only one kind of love and that is the love of a man for a woman or vice versa. The ‘unspeakable loves’ of Oscar Wilde and Lesbia and her charming girls on the isle of Paphos, none of these is true love.”
Now, being a faithful Hugh follower from page one, I have a bit of a problem with this. I guess I didn’t understand that “How to Make Love” was strictly a pamphlet for those straight folks. I guess us queers are out of luck on his grand advice.
Oh well, I will ignore the fact that I can never attain “true love” but only because Hugh is one of the few people who knows the real me. So what if he is catering to man/woman sex? I can just substitute my life where needed.
Moving on, Hugh says, “Woman was created weak. Therefore, it is up to man to protect his woman. She must always be passive. It is he who makes love to woman.” Amen, brother. What more can I say?
Next step: the first date. We’ve all been there, and we all know how nerve-wracking it can be. Don’t fear, let Hugh give you some truly inspirational pointers found under the subtitle, “Gee! You’re a swell kid.”
“If you are a girl, see to it that everything you wear is fresh and clean and free from any objectionable odors.”
Of course there is nothing about how the man should look, but I suppose he can just show up however he wants and it will be acceptable. I know I wouldn’t mind if (s)he smelled like a rotten turnip with a hint of moldy caterpillars.
Next step: “People are funny. They like to be praised even if the thing they are praised for is inconsequential. It may be that the girlfriend has made a pan of fudge for you. Be appreciative of it. Tell her that it certainly is the best fudge you ever tasted.”
Basically, Hugh is telling us to lie our behinds off. The fudge probably tastes like crap, but in order to “make love,” we must woo the girl.
One of the areas where I have truly seen the light is under the subtitle “The first kiss.” This is the way I set up all of my dates. Girls love it.
“Naturally, the first thing he should do is to arrange it so that the girl is seated against the arm of the sofa while he is at her side. In this way, she cannot edge away from him when he becomes serious in his attentions.” I think a lot of fraternity boys have read this.
“If she flinches, don’t worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don’t worry. If she flinches, makes an outcry and tries to get up from the sofa, don’t worry.”
Here’s where you have to use your own reassuring words to calm her down. I favor the likes of, “Baby, it’s all right, it’s only my tongue,” and, “You know you want it.” I think Hugh would be pleased with my lines.
“However, if she flinches, makes an outcry — a loud stentorian outcry, mind you — and starts to scratch your face, then start to worry or start to get yourself out of a bad situation.”
I agree with Hugh 100 percent that “such girls are not to be trifled with … or kissed, because it is these girls who believe the story of the stork that brings babies due to the consequences of a kiss.” I know I try to avoid these consequences like the plague.
At the end of the book Hugh has written that 1+1=3. I was a bit puzzled at first, thinking this was a menage a trois, but then I realized that the third party would be a child. YIKES!
Be completely sure when wooing a girl that you could handle this consequence of your actions, although it would be the girl’s fault and, therefore, her burden.
All of what Hugh has taught me and what I have now passed on to you is futile unless you heed to this warning: “Realize that there are thousands of other women more beautiful than you. But also realize that he, your lover, had found you attractive enough to fall in love with you.”
If you’re not downright pleased with the results of “How to Make Love,” there are five other delightful books by the informative Hugh Morris. His hits include, “Fortune Telling by Cards,” “Facts About Nudism,” “Sex Facts for Men,” “Sex Facts for Women,” and, “84 Card Tricks.”
Try them out and let them change your life.

Karen Brown’s column originally appeared in Tuesday’s University of Nebraska paper, the Daily Nebraskan.