Rarely is there a time on campus when I can’t rely on my little slab of laminated paper to get me out of a difficult situation. Never mind that the magnetic strips haven’t worked since fall 2002, or that the picture on the front makes me look like a bewildered pirate; the point is that the thing is still damn handy.

For one, there are oodles of useful services included inside the card. With everything from access to my checking account to access to the girls’ wing of Comstock Hall, it is the perfect tool for college life. One of the unreliable magnetic strips can even carry a wallet-busting $50 of virtually unusable “Gopher Gold” money. A student can also sign up for an overpriced calling card account! Damn, this thing is hot!

The list of U Card capabilities goes on and on, but I have trouble finding any problems with the little wonders. I mean, I’m sure they’re not perfect, but they come closer to perfect than anything I have ever seen in my life (besides my own physique). Not only do U Cards perform when something is needed to scrape ice off of cars, but apparently they make a great cocaine pile chopper, according to the cokehead down the hall from me.

I believe that U Cards bring an enduring love and a general happiness to the University campus, something that most students can only find in heavy drinking and, perhaps, church. Everywhere I look, I see people happily swiping their U Cards in excess of 20 times just to unlock a campus door or to purchase a refreshing soft drink. (Remember, kids, Pepsi is not allowed on University premises.) U Cards are the glue that holds the campus community together, much like the glue that happens to hold my shoddy U Card together. Thank you, University of Minnesota.

Matt Koehler is a University student. He welcomes comments at [email protected]