Kueppers: Fantasy Polls

Watching the news is starting to feel like watching sports.


by Henry Kueppers

The euphoria one feels watching a burly man score points against other burly men in a sporting event is the exact type of euphoria I experience when I get to watch pasty middle-aged people interpret poll results on CNN. God, what a rush! Watching John King expertly poke and jab at his fancy SMARTboard machine as he explains the importance of Polk County, Florida, to me. He dodges technical difficulties, creates dynamic plays/projected outcomes and passes the conversation perfectly to America’s favorite silver fox, Anderson Cooper, in the endzone. Last week was like the Super Bowl, NBA Finals and the World Cup all wrapped up into one ultimate event: the presidential election.

While I am relieved and thrilled about the election results, it did make me realize one thing: I really want to live in a world where we can create Fantasy Politics. The same thing, really, as fantasy football but with members of our U.S. government. We could text our friends things like, “I’ll trade you Cory Gardner for John Hickenlooper,” and, “You’re not gonna start Tina Smith? Dude, she’s about to go off!” We track them even after major elections, and we give them merit and points based off of different variables, like what bills they help pass in the House, how many different pantsuits they own and how many lies they have told the American people.

This concept would not only be wildly entertaining, but it could completely change the face of American politics. Think about it: Some people will literally watch football for hours just because they are involved in a fantasy football league. Imagine how many Americans we could engage in politics with Fantasy Politics. (I’ve got to get this copyrighted!) We could have millions of Americans streaming local C-SPAN congressional hearings, sitting on the edge of their seats in anticipation of what politicians might do. Fantasy Politics could increase the amount of informed, knowledgeable citizens we have in our country. Furthermore, think of all the jobs we could create. We could have political announcers sitting off to the side of Senate hearings and giving us play-by-play commentary:

“If you’re just tuning in, Sen. Susan Collins was giving her reasons as to why children should not be allowed to have fun. John, your thoughts on this?”

“Thanks, Dale — yeah, she’s been practicing this argument all offseason, but unfortunately I don’t think her execution is there, and it’s becoming a real fumble.”

We could even get referees to blow the whistle on politicians when they are lying, and then for an added bonus, we can put these politicians in a penalty box, but in our version, it’s one of those carnival game dunk tanks. Oh, oh, oh! And, the American people get the chance to win a sweepstakes every week to go down to Washington, D.C. and be the one to throw the ball that potentially drenches that lying, cheating scum we elected to be our senator! How awesome would that be?

I’m telling you folks, this is the answer we’ve all been waiting for. If we want to fix the overloading, leaking diaper that is the American political system, we can start by creating Fantasy Politics. We’ll have more people learning about the system, their representatives and how we can make a difference in it all. Fantasy Politics would hold our leaders responsible lest they want to end up at the bottom of all our draft lists. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to reach out to any and all people who might know how to make an app.