Amber,

I’ve been best friends with someone for years, but lately I have started to think that we don’t connect anymore.

We started college last fall, and managed to coordinate it so we were both staying in the same dorm hall on campus. Especially with the loneliness of the pandemic, it was nice to be near someone who already knew me well, even though we have different interests now.

Of the two of us, I am definitely more of the timid type. I have always had trouble making new friends and meeting new people, but this person has always been there to — literally in some cases — drag me to whatever club she wanted us to join or some frat party I wasn’t really even interested in.

We’ve started seeing each other in person more often, and it’s made me realize a few things about our friendship. I don’t know if we ever had anything in common back when we first met, or if we just latched on to each other out of convenience. Either way, it’s obvious to me now that we don’t really share any of the same interests. I still want to be friends with her, but it always feels so weird to try and find any common ground between us.

How do I fix a friendship with someone I can’t even understand as a person?

Signed,

Missing the old days

Dear Missing the old days,

Whenever there’s some kind of interpersonal conflict between me and someone else, I always try to talk to the person first. I know it sounds daunting — especially if you are more of the shy, non-confrontational type — but there’s a reason why “communication is key” is such a common piece of advice. It might be awkward, but telling your friend how you feel will help you out in the long term. Especially if you want to remain close friends.

However, based on what you’ve told me, it doesn’t seem like your friend really understands you either. Does she know that you don’t like going to these frat parties? And what about the clubs that you’re interested in? To me, this doesn’t sound like a very well-balanced friendship.

It’s okay if you no longer connect the same way you used to with someone. I like to think of it as a sign of growth, and gaining a better understanding of yourself. It’s exciting, but also very scary. Embrace the person that you are, and don’t try to change yourself for anyone, even your best friend. Not all friendships need to be fixed, and if you don’t connect with this person anymore, that’s fine!

I encourage you to seek out the things that you are interested in, and hopefully you will find some new people along the way that connect with you in a way that you are looking for. Making new friends, or dropping old ones, is a part of life. Remember: you can stop being friends with someone while still appreciating the time you had together.

Best of luck,
Amber

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