Several prefaces are needed for this story. 

First of all, I’m a lightweight. I get sufficiently intoxicated after one beer, and even then I don’t really enjoy the feeling of it. I prefer to drink socially around trusted friends in cozy, quieter settings. I’ve never been much of a partier, either.

Secondly, I’m a queer person, and I felt like the odd one out at most of these bars. I’ll always feel excluded from the bar culture on campus.

All of that to say, take this ranking with a grain of salt. I don’t mean to rain on anyone’s parade, rather, I want to share my experiences. 

If you’re like me, keep reading to find out where you’ll actually have a fun night out around campus.

5. Sally’s Saloon

Sally’s Saloon is a cavernous sports bar on Washington Avenue that has lines out the door on your typical weekend night or game day. Slightly fewer people were there at 9 p.m. on Thursday night, but there was still a considerable din that grew as the night went on.

I’ll start with the pros — Sally’s size makes it somewhat easy to find your group’s own little enclave.

It’s super stocked with a wide array of drink options, and though I didn’t order food there either, their selection is huge and surprisingly cheap, with their most expensive burger being only $12.

Unfortunately, but perhaps unsurprisingly, Sally’s does pull the sides-cost-extra trick.

Huge screens all over the restaurant cater to all sports interests.

The cons of Sally’s define it as a bar, which, by the way, was both wet and sticky when I leaned on it.

My partner, who accompanied me on my bar crawl, said she got a weird look from someone, so fair warning if you’re visibly queer.

The crowd was overwhelming for me, not to mention the presence of a Minneapolis police officer put me on edge.

I later found out that Sally’s is just one of many properties owned by The After Midnight Group, a real estate company specializing in bars and restaurants. Perhaps that’s why the environment feels so shallow.

4. The Kollege Klub

The Kollege Klub in Dinkytown opened in 2019 as the Minnesota version of a more than 60-year-old University of Wisconsin-Madisoin institution of the same name.

Naturally, the love and life passed from generation to generation in such places are not present at the Kollege Klub in Dinkytown.

The Klub’s use of the app LineLeap creates an immediate disconnect because of the annoying task of downloading something new on your phone.

On LineLeap, patrons buy an approximately $6 pass to get into Kollege Klub which covers their entry plus one drink, which on Thursday was a vodka seltzer with a wild cherry White Claw tipped upside down into it.

Cherry is not my first choice of White Claw flavor, and the drink was too strong for me to finish.

The food is cheap and, based on pictures online, adequate, though the menu is somewhat limited. Whatever you get probably does the trick on gameday, though.

Kollege Klub’s biggest sin is that it was boring. While there is a basement and upper level to explore, when I went there appeared to be an event that had reserved both floors.

As cheesy 2000s and 2010s music blared over the loudspeakers, I watched my well-dressed peers file up the stairs from the basement and up to the second floor. The girls were wearing their dates’ ties around their necks.

As I watched, I thought to myself,  “Does high school never end? Or was it the first test for the real world?”

3. Blarney Pub & Grill

The website for Blarney Pub & Grill on 14th Ave. SE boasts about the restaurant’s laid-back atmosphere. Perhaps that’s true earlier in the kitchen’s open hours), but most definitely not on a Thursday at 10 p.m.

A cacophony of a collective karaoke performance of “Need You Now” by Lady A blanketed the space. 

The immense volume of people spread across the space. One small crowd stretched the length of the bar tucked under the mezzanine. Even more people jam-packed the mezzanine itself.

Amazingly, the long dining table fit for feasts closest to the kitchen was entirely full.

I got a Miller Lite out of courtesy, though ordering food seemed out of the question. It’s a shame considering the variety on their menu, from traditional Irish Bangers N’ Mash to the intriguing Irish Nachos — potato chips topped with cheese sauce, pulled pork, green onions and pico de gallo.

Better opportunities to eat at Blarney must be during the day or on less busy nights.

As if by fate, one table was left for me at the very back of the mezzanine. The scene of my peers’ drunken karaoke revelry below felt almost unreal. 

While I enjoyed the Irish pub-themed interior, Blarney felt reduced to a playground.

2. Stub & Herbs

Now for the actually fun bars!

Stub & Herbs is a relic of the University of Minnesota’s history sandwiched between more recent corporate additions to Stadium Village. 

Having first opened in 1939, Stub & Herbs’ contemporary slogan is “Your Grandpa Drank Here!”This chill pub has earned its stripes as a University of Minnesota institution.

Not many people were there when I arrived around 7:30 p.m., but it filled up as the night progressed.

I had a yummy Truly Strawberry Lemonade hard seltzer for an acceptable $5.

The last thing I expected to eat at a bar was soup, but Stub & Herbs’ tomato bisque was heavenly. 

It was velvety and heartwarming with a little bit of spice — the only things missing were croutons and parm on top.

The bisque came on the side of a grilled cheese sandwich, which could have used more flavor and felt less substantial than grilled cheeses I’ve had at other restaurants, but it was still very good.

There’s also a game room with pool and Big Buck Hunter, so plenty of options to have fun with your friends.

This is the spot closest to campus that I most recommend. Be sure to check out the liminal basement, too.

1. Como Tap

Como Tap was the chillest bar I went to, though to be fair, both times I went were on Monday nights.

Even on their busier nights though, like their karaoke nights on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I expect the vibes to be less rancid than Sally’s.

Como Tap has endearing, dive bar-esque decor that’s a fun mix of grungy graffiti, University swag and bar paraphernalia with a charming creaky wooden floor to boot.

Como Tap is where I learned I like $5 Stella Artois. They have specialty cocktails, too (I want to try their Wine Pop pinot grigio spritzer).

They also have an extensive, though slightly expensive, menu with a kitchen that’s open past midnight daily.

Como Tap also has plenty of fun activities. They have classics like pool, darts, a board game shelf and a TouchTunes jukebox.

One minute you might be listening to “Like A G6,” the next, “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot.

Other event nights include Trivia Thursdays and Brunch from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays.

Thank you for going on this odyssey with me, and if I dissed your favorite bar, don’t take it personally. I’m just a local introverted queer who’s tired.