It’s Thanksgiving Day, 2026.
After nearly two years under the rule of Supreme Leader Donald Trump, the United States of America has risen from the ashes of its former self, free from the tyrannical Democrats and their woke mob.
You think about this glorious country as you walk up to your grandmother’s house, dodging the branches of a fallen tree from a recent extreme weather event. Fearsome storms have hit the area recently, but it can’t be from climate change since that was a hoax the liberals created when they stole the 2020 election.
The landscaping company that normally deals with your grandmother’s lawn hasn’t been in operation since Trump sent the town’s undocumented Venezuelan migrants to one of his new detention camps — all built on tribal land, of course. Turns out nearly one in five landscaping workers in the U.S. were undocumented. Whoops!
You know this means more opportunities for hardworking American citizens, but for some reason, no one will take up a $3-an-hour job with a 70-hour work week. So, your grandmother’s lawn remains in disarray.
When you walk through the front door, the sound of your grandmother’s radio assails you. It’s a Kid Rock song, screaming into the candlelit dining room.
It’s not like anyone has much of a choice. Congress passed a new law allowing only the sounds of Trump loyalists on American radio airwaves. Former pop stars who are enemies of the American people (namely Taylor Swift) are spending this holiday season in federal prison with the likes of Sleepy Joe Biden and Comrade Kamala Harris.
You look over to the corner, where your cousin Jimmy sits against the wall, rocking back and forth and violently scratching his right arm. The federal government put Project 2025 into action and instated a federal ban on pornography. He hasn’t been the same.
As you reach the kitchen, your nose fills with the familiar smells of your grandmother’s home cooking. But now that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is the Trump-appointed Health and Human Services secretary, there have been some changes to the traditional Thanksgiving meal.
Giving Kennedy the power to oversee the Food and Drug Administration, Trump said the politician-turned-conspiracy-theorist would “go wild” on health, and oh boy, he certainly has.
Not only has he fulfilled his promise of expanding access to raw milk, but he’s extended that freedom to raw meat products as well. Instead of spending hours brining, basting and roasting a turkey, your grandmother bought it fresh from the slaughter and dumped it on a silver platter — the true, American way of preparing it.
You help bring in the food from the kitchen, the uncooked turkey with mashed potatoes (made with unpasteurized milk, of course) on the side. The water your aunt pours into the crystal glasses doesn’t have even a trace of fluoride, the mineral Kennedy has proclaimed an “industrial waste” and linked to IQ loss.
You hear the hacking sounds of little Annie upstairs, who’s sick with a sinister cough. She’s got measles, which has made a recent comeback!
Everyone else is recovering from a nasty bout of COVID; Kennedy banned those vaccines since it meant getting a foreign-manufactured microchip in your arm.
Speaking of putting a stop to foreign interference, Trump has instituted bold new tariffs that inadvertently quadrupled the costs of Thanksgiving groceries.
In an interview with Bloomberg News on Oct. 15, 2024, Trump said, “To me, tariff is a very beautiful word. It’s a word that’s going to make our country rich again. Without tariffs, we have a busted country.”
His proposed 500% tax on foreign imports has led to other countries halting the shipments of all manufactured products and foodstuffs to the U.S. Because there’s no existing infrastructure to make up for that loss, the U.S. is facing a national food shortage.
Since Trump knows best, the only rational explanation is to blame the liberals for the economy’s rapid decline.
As you sit down to feast, noses running and stomachs churning with multiplying colonies of E. coli, you hold hands and recite the New Pledge of Allegiance, which has become a mealtime tradition across the country.
“…One nation, under Trump, divisible into liberty for Christians and justice served for the woke media.”
You breathe in the smell of decaying turkey flesh, gazing out the smog-stained window. The new secretary of energy, oil-industry CEO Chris Wright has reopened the old coal mines, fulfilling Trump’s promise from his 2018 State of the Union address to end the “war on beautiful, clean coal.”
America is now the biggest polluter in the world and squarely in last place for air quality ratings. But those gas prices sure are cheap. Three cheers for domestic energy!
You look around the table at your family — your pregnant teenage cousins (condoms are now illegal), Jimmy (still staring listlessly at the wall) and your grandmother, who proudly wears a crucifix necklace (covered by a charm with “Trump” in bedazzled letters).
“I’m so glad we’re able to be here together, with the love of Donald Trump on our side,” you toast.
Everyone smiles, wincing in pain from their fluoride-deficient teeth.
America is great again. You’ve never felt so thankful.
