Editor’s Note: We are not advocating for crimes of any kind. Take all advice lightly.

Last week, the Opinions Desk put out a poll asking our beloved readers to share their breakup woes so we could impart our sage advice.

Unfortunately, no one answered. But don’t worry! We may feel like you’re starting to break up with us, but we’re willing to give you another chance. We’ve come up with five hypothetical breakup scenarios and each columnist has written in 10 words or less how we would respond. 

Situation 1: Your ex texts “You up?” a week after you break up.

Leo: “Omw.”

Riley: Block. Delete. Report. Move away. 

Wren: Nostalgia is not the way forward. 

Jasmine: Throw your phone in a dumpster and set it ablaze.

Vivian: Ew. 

Claudia: 50 push-ups. GO!

Situation 2: Your partner of many months is refusing to commit.

Leo: Plenty of fish in the sea.

Riley: Tell their mom about it. 

Wren: Communicate how you feel. Respect them but respect you, too. 

Jasmine: Bribe them into a marriage with money.

Vivian: You probably don’t deserve that. Choose more wisely next time.

Claudia: Date their friend. Maybe they’ll commit. 

Situation 3: Your partner cheats on you with your friend.

Leo: Maybe you can join in?

Riley: Put a hex on them both. 

Wren: It is okay to be sad, but you deserve better! 

Jasmine: Blackmail.

Vivian: Directed by Luca Guadagnino.

Claudia: Cheat on your friend with your partner. 

Situation 4: Your ex asks if you can still be friends.

Leo: What could go wrong?

Riley: Were you attracted to their personality in the first place? 

Wren: Depends on who broke up with whom. 

Jasmine: Agree, then take their wallet when they aren’t looking.

Vivian: Tell them you’re entitled to benefits.

Claudia: Say yes and then never speak to them again. 

Situation 5: Your ex posts about your breakup on social media.

Leo: Hack their account. Spam them with skibidi toilet videos.

Riley: Tell everyone that you broke up with them. 

Wren: Just be glad that person showed their true colors. 

Jasmine: File a defamation lawsuit.

Vivian: Post on X that they have bad breath.

Claudia: Become Amish.