The true definition of a sport and by extension, an athlete, is highly contested. The true traits of what constitutes an elite athlete are elusive, yet should be glaringly obvious.
Why do we feel the need to dedicate so much of our time, energy and money to watch a ball go through a net? It’s like watching paint dry or the sunset.
The fact that grown men are getting paid grandiose multi-million dollar salaries to wrestle in the grass is preposterous. Nearly everyone can run and catch a ball. Dogs do it all the time, as do children.
The most prominent example of this tomfoolery is American football. It is a childish sport that should not be entertaining or respected by anyone past the age of 12. The fact that fully grown men don’t outgrow the delusion that being able to run, catch, speak, shake and sit down makes them any sort of special is laughable.
It can be confirmed with the utmost certainty that football does not measure up as a true sport, and football players don’t even come close to the level of athleticism that true champions exemplify, thus eliminating them from any competition.
I’m not excluding soccer here either. While being able to kick a ball is certainly a step up from merely running and catching, it still isn’t quite remarkable enough to be legitimate in any real sense.
According to Webster’s Dictionary, an athlete is defined as “a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports or games requiring physical strength, agility or stamina.” Aren’t athletics supposed to be a measure of human excellence? Don’t we elevate them for their capabilities to showcase true feats of extraordinary strength, as well as test and maximize humanity’s true capabilities for physical greatness?
Why do we as a sport-spectating public feel the need to uplift these simpleton activities and schoolyard games when we could be taking part in them? It would be like watching someone run on a treadmill for hours at a time when we could be getting our collective butts off the couch and actually doing something.
Why do we care who can run the fastest in a circle, for that matter? It has no bearing on whether we live or die and certainly isn’t that big of a deal. At this point, we may as well send hamsters to the Olympics and let them spin out for as long as we please.
Don’t even get me started on lacrosse, which is literally just organized butterfly-catching. Don’t they feel silly running around with those little nets?
There is little to no aesthetic element to these sports either. Who wants to watch sweaty men wrestle a ball when you could be enriching yourself with groundbreaking choreographic feats and record-breaking stunts?
Couldn’t these players at least try to put on a good show? Or at the bare minimum, get cooler uniforms? I want to see beading, Swarovski crystals and cheetah print. I don’t even want to think about those ugly helmets either. There’s no way that, in the year 2025, they wouldn’t have a more fashionable headgear option. It’s like their face is in a little jail; how can anybody take that seriously?
Who are the true athletes, you may ask? They’re the ones who defy gravity, physics and even death through their elaborate physical feats and stunts.
They’re the ones who risk injury due to the unnatural and frankly inhuman ways they move their bodies, all while looking effortless and putting on a show. There are halftime performances for a reason. The masses yearn for truly elite performance that these ridiculous games cannot provide.
I’m talking about the gymnasts, dancers and cheerleaders who, contrary to popular discourse, are not just athletes, they are the only true athletes. Through their strength, tenacity and inhuman capabilities they are the only athletes that have, without a reasonable doubt, truly earned the title.
The separation between normal people and the average football or soccer player isn’t very wide when scaled to the separation between a normal person and a gymnast or dancer, the likes of whom train their entire lives in specific disciplines to achieve certain inhuman movement qualities that defy the human body’s natural anatomy.
Most of us could never even approximate a round-off, aerial or à la seconde turns without training or significant time dedicated to learning these skills. Running, catching and throwing are innate to nearly everybody beginning in elementary school.
These elevated recess games that the public regards as “sports” are about equivalent to a professional hide-and-seek league, or an elite tag player’s association. Perhaps even an all-star duck-duck-goose squad might have more to offer us in the areas of strategy and skill than the average professional team would.
In the 21st century, we should appreciate the true spirit of greatness by lifting up true athletic and physical excellence, and throw childish games to the wayside. We need to laud the real athletes here, i.e. dancers, gymnasts and cheerleaders. Not some silly boys playing catch.
