In my experience, a common lament nowadays is the prevalence, or rather the mere existence of, small talk. The most prevalent and repeated complaints I’ve heard are that it’s shallow and only goes through the motions of conversation, supposedly rendering it unnecessary or a waste of time. These supposed big-talkers argue that there are more intellectual, important or relevant conversations to be had.
Yet it’s not exactly as if these supposed big conversations are not happening in any capacity, or that the presence of small, casual conversation in any way crowds out or absences meaningful conversation.
Small talk has been the subject of a lot of unnecessary and frankly misguided ire. It is just as small-minded to write it off as droning on about the weather every time they open their mouth. Chances are, if you complain about small talk, you’re either doing it wrong, going about it the wrong way or thinking about it in the wrong regard.
Hating small talk doesn’t make you interesting. To loudly proclaim one’s disdain for small talk is to proudly boast their incapability to turn conventional conversation on its head or dig deeper into a social interaction. That is, if their frustration comes from a supposed lack of substance.
An interesting person has interesting things to say, regardless of the conversation topic or format.
A truly innovative conversationalist can easily convert boring or typical conversation formats into something more meaningful or unconventional. Small talk is not only profound in its own right but serves as the primary foundation for more abstract conversations.
Alexis Elder, associate professor of philosophy and program chair for philosophy and cognitive science at the University of Minnesota-Duluth, said the dislike aimed at small talk is more of a projection of social misunderstanding onto a form of verbal communication that one hasn’t quite mastered or understood to the extent that they’d like.
“I think making small talk with strangers is a skill,” Elder said. “It’s not something that comes naturally to us, and so it’s really easy to kind of resent things that feel awkward and like an obligation we kind of don’t know how to fulfill, especially if you can see other people sort of around us doing better than us.”
In addition to this, we have become increasingly unfamiliar with casual social interactions given the rise of the internet.
Ascan Koerner, a professor of communication studies at the University of Minnesota Twin Cities, said social rules are different online. Online spaces create different allowances for the depth of conversation and the socially acceptable pace at which sensitive information is revealed.
“A lot of research actually has shown us that online relationships, a lot of the social sort of norms that inhibit disclosure are sort of suspended,” Koerner said.
Small talk is less of a deep dive into someone’s inner world and rather a way to dip one’s toes in the water and acclimate to the temperature, then decide whether or not to go any further. It’s an introductory method of communication.
Koerner said viewing small talk as shallow is somewhat accurate, it doesn’t paint the full picture of why it’s important and necessary as an invitation to bridge gaps between strangers in a way that is most comfortable and least intimidating for all parties involved.
“They’re not particularly intimate and you don’t make yourself particularly vulnerable,” Koerner said. “You don’t try to challenge the other person. You’re not trying to create conflict with the other person. You are really sort of, in a careful way, trying to open yourself up for conversation and explore whether the other person is open for conversation”
Small talk is shallow for a reason — the main one being the ease and advantageousness its lack of depth provides.
Even surface-level talks about the weather, sports or politics can be insightful into one’s thinking process. If you gave every person the same question, regardless of what it was, you would likely get a different response from everyone.
This is not to say that there wouldn’t be commonalities or similarities — people generally dislike polar temperatures, inflation and losses from their home teams. Where the magic happens is when the initial questions are answered and all that’s left is the question why.
From there, the possibilities are endless. There are relationships that will grow between commonalities and similar perspectives shared through casual conversation and interactions, and there are some that simply stay at that initial, introductory level. These relationships, where the entirety is encapsulated through elevator chit-chats, passing hellos and casual banter, shouldn’t be dismissed either.
Imagine if you had to sit through complex sociological discussions with everyone you’ve ever known or interacted with. That would be even more of a waste of time. Not everyone is your best friend and not everyone should be. That doesn’t make anyone any less important.
Elder said small talk is extremely prosocial in that it provides verbal acknowledgment of another person’s existence and conveys friendliness.
“We’re not bearing our souls to random people in the grocery store or imposing big burdens on each other, but just kind of saying ‘Hey, I see you. I acknowledge you. I like that you’re around,’ can kind of build up a much more positive social environment that then gives us the foundations to do more big and important things together,” Elder said.
As adults, we should accept the simple social rule that we will need to converse with people we don’t necessarily like nor consider close friends. None of us are better than a quick conversation about the weather, despite other inputs we may or may not have to offer.
As an introverted person with seemingly no impending letup of social mishaps and miscalculations, I wholeheartedly believe that small talk is a more than legitimate avenue of communication. Disregarding the inevitabilities of our social landscape won’t make you any more worthy of conversing with.
In a world where complaints about division and lack of quality social interaction roar louder with each calendar year, why do we dismiss the first step toward a more united world?
We may not have the answers, but we can ask around. With tact, of course.
