In 2022, Amber Heard stood trial against her ex-husband Johnny Depp, who sued Heard for defamation statements she made in a Washington Post op-ed describing herself as a “public figure representing domestic abuse.” 

I believe most readers remember the vehement backlash Heard received as a result.

Despite mountains of evidence supporting Heard’s allegations of domestic violence, the media jumped to defend Depp. Many concluded Heard herself was the primary abuser or discredited both, labeling the relationship “mutual abuse.”

Allegations are brought forward. Both sides make statements. The abuser sits back and watches as the public tears through the victim’s life searching for loopholes, contradictions and evidence to support what they already believed — the woman was the villain all along.

This playbook is nothing new. 

In 1993, television personality Lorena Gallo, previously Lorena Bobbitt, castrated her husband after enduring years of physical and sexual abuse. Instead of prompting discussions of the psychological damage that must have led to her actions, the media mocked and denigrated Gallo, framing her as the guilty party despite the reactionary nature of the violence.

Even in the wake of the #MeToo movement, which brought women’s issues such as sexual harassment to the forefront of social advocacy, the public struggles to understand the nuances of domestic violence. 

Katie Eichele, director of the Aurora Center at the University of Minnesota, said the problem is the expectations for how victims should behave. 

“I think it’s complex because the media thinks that abuse looks a certain way,” Eichele said. “One of the things that I observed from that particular case is that each individual actually was harmful to each other, but we don’t always know what the motivation was. Was it one side trying to protect themselves or engage in self-defense or not?”

Reactive abuse refers to aggressive behavior from the victim toward the abuser. The abuser provokes violent behavior from their victim and later discredits the victim by portraying them as abusive. 

Eichele said abusers use reactive abuse as a tool to further manipulate the victim.

“Abusers could easily spin that narrative to be like, ‘No they were hitting me, and so therefore I’m the victim,’” Eichele said.

Amirthini Keefe, executive director of the Domestic Abuse Project, warned against using ‘mutual abuse’ when describing domestic violence.

“Hearing about an unhealthy behavior can easily make you think that’s mutual abuse,” Keefe said. “But when you really start to track the history of the relationship, what is often there is that one person has really engaged in violence in a way that is meant to hold power and control over the other partner, and the other person is often using violence as a response.” 

Keefe said the term can be used by abusers to obfuscate blame.

“I’m really cautious about that,” Keefe said. “I feel like often it’s a way for folks to not hold themselves accountable for the violence that they’re using.” 

With conversations about complicated topics like domestic violence, well-meaning people often find themselves searching for simple answers. Abusive relationships have nuances and the distinction between victim and abuse is not always clear. 

The concept of mutual abuse seems like an easy solution to these contradictions, however, the idea ignores the reality of abusive dynamics.

The idea that abuse can be mutual contradicts the fundamental basis of abuse. Abuse is about control. Power imbalances are inherent to abusive relationships and that disparity cannot go both ways.

Heard was not a perfect victim. It is almost certain she engaged in toxic behaviors in her relationship with Depp. But an imperfect victim is still a victim, and if we want to create a culture that uplifts survivors, they deserve our support too. 

Eichele said an important step to alleviate the expectation of perfection in victims is to shift our conversation onto abusers. 

“We want to be able to make sure that we’re gaining in the narrative about abusers,” Eichele said. “So that we’re not just putting the focus on victim-survivors, feeling you are in charge of fixing yourselves. We also want society to know this is what abusers look like and can do and collectively say ‘I’m concerned about your behavior.’”

To be true allies in the fight against domestic violence, controlling the rhetoric about victims and abusers and recognizing the unfair expectations placed on victims is imperative.

I stand with Amber Heard and all victims of domestic violence. My support is unconditional and unwavering. To stop domestic violence, yours must be too.