Campus crime has become frighteningly prevalent lately, and it seems our police department is too busy busting parties to do anything about it. That’s why I’ve taken it upon myself, a quasi-anonymous columnist, to single-handedly stop University crime. And by single-handedly, I mean using two hands in a ninja/street fighter approach.
That’s right, folks ” I’m Batman. A trip to the local costume shop a grappling hook purchase on eBay and a rock-hard set of abs have instantly made me the Dark Knight of Minneapolis. So look out, lowly criminals, because the next purse you snatch could end up stuffed down your throat.
Think I’m joking? Think again. I’ve gone as far as spray-painting my 1991 Chevy Lumina flat black and adding a duct-taped bat symbol. The exhaust pipe now sports a bat-rocket mechanism, which, if needed, will shoot fireworks behind my vehicle, rendering pursuing bad guys immobile (or just surprised, or neither). The point is, I’m a force to be reckoned with, and criminals might as well turn themselves in. A jail sentence is nothing compared with my latex-covered biceps ” they’ll punch you so hard, you’ll be in a coma of fear for the rest of your life.
Are you thinking about robbing some college kid returning from a party at 2 a.m.? Do you dream of holding up a late-night ATM visitor? If so, you should stick to minimum-wage jobs and petty drug sales, because I’m on the lookout now. Did I forget to mention I’m Batman?
I know there’s a lot of hard work associated with rooftop crime-fighting, but I’ve been preparing for literally days. Aside from grueling sit-up sessions, I’ve earned a white belt in a day’s worth of do-it-yourself karate classes. And yes, that white belt may just end up choking a would-be robber.
My butler, Alfred (who looks strangely like my roommate Kevin), even takes care of my meals, homework and girlfriend while I’m out stopping corruption and delinquency. The costs of this operation are getting a little high, however, so your cash donations are appreciated. Just send them to the Daily to the attention of “Batman fund.” I’m also in need of some rain tarps as my makeshift Batcave under the Weisman Art Museum’s raised walkway is leaking, and now my top-secret, super-powered computer equipment is short-circuiting.
Please don’t visit me in the Batcave, though. I had a hard enough time removing that homeless family without having to break their spines. Just remember that campus crime is no longer an issue now that I’m transformed into Batman. Don’t be afraid to go out alone late at night while sorting wallet contents and listening to an expensive iPod.
Oh, and one more thing ” if you see any metal Frisbee-type things flying through the air, please duck. I’m not very accurate with my batarangs.
Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected].
