As a contributing writer to the fashion industry, I feel it is necessary to try out the majority of trends that surface each year, critiquing those that simply do not work and wearing those that simply excel. To my dismay, however, I still see a handful of abominations walking around the Wild Wild Midwest and think 2k13 is a splendid year to retire a few all of these wearable eyesores. I’m usually an advocate for offbeat and eccentric wardrobe dares, except for these; these need to boot, scoot and boogie back to where they came from.

Embellished jean pockets – why is there a party happening on both of your ass cheeks?

Graphic tees – c’mon you guys, eighth grade ended years ago

Tiny under-the-arm purses – what can you even fit in there?!?

Mullet skirts – party in the front and business in the back ain’t trickin’ on anything

Litas – 5 inches too many of try-too-hard-trendiness

Ponchos – cutting a hole in the center of your favorite blanket is neither crafty nor chic

Neon – please, please, just go away and do your drugs elsewhere

Minnesota on Minnesota on Minnesota gear – sweet Lord we know you go here, stop shouting about it

Flare jeans light-washed down the thigh – retinas burn around the globe with every pair being worn

Leggings underneath jean mini skirts – not even remotely okay

Shell necklaces – leave them in Punta Cana where you found them

Cheek-exposing jean shorts – when shorts turn into a g-string, it’s time to say no

Non-prescription glasses – I bet u read a lot and r gr8/super kewl and philosophical and u like stuff on ur face and ur cigarettes r not the candy ones

Mules – what even is a heeled clog supposed to be?

Bobs – lololololol

Flip flops – only ok if en route to the beach or a pool, otherwise noisy and cheap

Hobo purses – how many small children can you actually fit in there?

Scrunched suede knee-high boots – a circa ’09 tragedy that shouldn’t have even been circa back then

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!