Dr. Gwar

Dr. Date,

I’ve been hanging out with this girl for a couple of weeks, and I like her a lot. The problem is, I’m not sure she’s into me. I’ve been out my whole time at college, which she knows, but she hasn’t mentioned anything similar to me.

I feel like she’s interested, but I’m honestly not even positive she’s into girls. How can I broach the subject without ruining our friendship?



Girl Talk,

Be as honest as possible.

If you’re hanging out with someone, I take that to mean that you’re doing things together. Maybe you’re having coffee, maybe going to see a movie, maybe having a meal together — so you’re at the stage where you can ask legitimate, honest questions to each other.

Ask her a legitimate, honest question. Say, “Hey, is it OK for me to ask you a personal question?” And if she says yes, say, “I’m trying to figure out — are you into girls? Because I don’t see a boyfriend here, and I feel like getting closer, and I feel that I might have some feelings for you. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but before this goes any further, I thought I would put my cards on the table.” And I think you’ll get a favorable reaction.

She’ll either say, “Oh no, no, no, I like boys and I still want to your friend,” or she’ll say, “Oh my God, you’re a lesbian, get out of here, oh you freak!” And if she says that, then you’ll know she’s worthless to begin with.

So as I said before, honesty is the best policy. The only way you can [expletive] that up is if you go into it too soon, like if you meet the girl and you’re like, “OMG, are you a lesbian, I wanna get in your pants!” — that doesn’t work so well.

But if you feel like you have a friendship with her, go forward. Take a chance, look her in the eye and be completely honest with her. And if she says she’s not into the relationship part — a spear through the mouth.

-Dr. Gwar


Dr. Date,

I’ve been with my high school boyfriend for four years. He was my first kiss, my first sexual experience, everything. We’re best friends.

While he was abroad this summer, I kissed someone else. It was at a party, and we were both drunk, and I obviously regretted it immediately. I decided I wouldn’t tell my boyfriend — and haven’t — but it’s driving me insane.

I’m afraid he’ll find out from someone else. Should I tell him?



Guilt trip,

No, because I guarantee you your boyfriend was up to a lot worse when he was on that trip this summer.

It’s just a kiss, and it was a drunken one at a party. If he ever finds out about it, just look at him and say, “Are you serious? I completely trusted you to go to Europe and do whatever they do over there, where they have legal whorehouses and I never asked you a single question about it, and you’re gonna give me shit about one incredibly meaningless kiss at a drunken party that never happened again? Oh. My. God. Maybe you’re not as cool as I thought you were.”

And, second part, if he reacts poorly to that, I would say battle ax to the side of the head.

-Dr. Gwar