If you’ve ever had an impromptu chat with an extreme right-wing conservative nut, you probably escaped the conversation before you got a sense of the rationale. Luckily, I’ve decided to devote this week’s column to explaining the radical conservative mind-set in a way we can all understand (and emulate).

First of all, the Daily and all its readers are no-good communist bastards. Yes, this means you. College campuses are so overrun with liberal students because there are stupid, anti-American professors teaching classes and because the Daily propagates leftist lies to people who don’t know any better than to accept them.

So what should you believe? The truths presented by the right wing, obviously. The core idea is that every day America is becoming more and more corrupt with things called “opinions.” These untrue viewpoints threaten the freedoms our forefathers promised, like the right to own assault weapons and the right to deport gays, immigrants and liberals from our borders. Without these entitlements, the United States will endure a quick moral decline, and our kids will be destroyed by God himself.

But this is just one small fact in the vast knowledge base of the far right. Another thing you must know is that over time, opinions get more dangerous. Take the sicko, leftist theory of evolution, for example. That commie hell-demon we call Charles Darwin actually believes science can explain why there are many different types of animals. Clearly, everything happens because of spontaneous generation and God’s will. Scientist mumbo-jumbo is Satan’s attempt to negate God’s creation, and, as you can tell, this has put our nation in a grave state.

Well, this and feminism. Chicks were denied the right to vote for more than 130 years in the United States, and then, of course, when suffrage came about, the evil anti-American “Democrat” party was created. The consensus among the extreme right is that women were designed for homemaking. Heck, even super-conservative Ann Coulter should shut her yapper ” she’s on the right track, but she should get a husband to talk for her.

One of the most important tenets of true conservatism is the notion that anyone with even a hint of a liberal belief is a total Marxist pig. If you’re against Wal-Mart, for instance, you’re against capitalism, and if you’re against capitalism, you must be a communist. It’s that simple. If you stray from the right edge, you fall in hellfire.

Also, if you have any tolerance for gay people ” even if it’s just for Elton John ” you are a pervert. Even though homosexuality is demonstrated in most animal species on Earth, it is a conscious decision created by liberals and imposed on our children.

Radical conservatism makes perfect sense. If you disagree, you just don’t understand ” so grow some balls, buy a truck, carry a gun and read this again. Then maybe you’ll see.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected].