I’ve managed to escape most horrific circumstances in my life, namely that humiliating sideshow act in the traveling circus. But now, I’m stuck in a very different prison of embarrassment ” one that I unwillingly create every time I put on a shirt.

Pit stains are the scourge of mankind. Their damp, dark ovoid outlines consistently materialize on the fabric of our lives. You’re probably getting them as you read this… you gross, sweaty pig.

Unfortunately, winter is the pit-stain season for most folks. Heavy, cold-weather jackets seem to act as spot-inducing catalysts. Every time I remove my coat, my underarm area looks like it endured a tropical depression.

What’s more, not even themost powerful antiperspirant deodorants can protect us. And I should know ” I use Mitchum.

I’m told by armpit experts that certain antiperspirant deodorants increase sweat production in people because of a chemical, but after experimenting with layered undershirts and every pit-care product on the planet, I’ve found that nothing (not even waterproofing caulk) dries the humid hideout beneath my shoulders.

The bright side of this situation is that everyone gets these unsightly spots. Unless you’re wearing a pitch-black or already-soaked shirt (I’ve tried it), you’re going to look like a marathon runner after only a few minutes indoors.

It seems the best defense against pit stains is to be ashamed of them, making sure not to reveal their massive diameters at any time.

Some people, however, are completely ignorant of their huge, hypnotizing pit spots, and these are the people for whom I feel especially sorry.

Take my roommate (we’ll call him Steve), who often comes home from work completely unaware of his dart-board-sized pit stains.

I never know what to tell him, so occasionally I’ll spill some ice cream or part of a meal on him just so he goes to his room and changes shirts.

Then we have the people in class, usually wearing red or green T-shirts, who are oblivious to their pit problems throughout the semester. These people are usually given names like “Sally Stains-a-lot” or “Pit-shower Paul” by those in the back row (which is the safest area for the pit-stain conscious).

It’s really sad when I see an otherwise attractive female sporting dark, egg-shaped armpit patches, because it doesn’t matter if you’re a supermodel or a famous actress ” the spots will make you look like a fat, ugly treadmill-jogger at the gym. If you have them, pit stains are the ultimate focal point of one’s body.

So, either carefully hide your pit stains (with a rain jacket or black shirt) or be prepared to face society’s demeaning attitude toward them. I’ve seen both sides of the issue, and the hope of a resolution is slowly sweating away.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]