Feeling a little lonely this Valentine’s Day? I thought so. Well, don’t get sad ” you’ve got me. I’ll be your Valentine.

Yes, really! We’ve been together three years now, and even though my creepy columnist photo hasn’t changed, my feelings for you have.

I think I love you, readership.

I remember when we were young and immature, laughing over the inconveniences of U-cards. Things were so simple then. Lately, it’s like we see each other every week and make superficial small-talk before the pain of our hidden crush pushes us away. I just wish we could be honest with one another.

You, too? Oh, boy! I’ve been dreaming of this moment for a long time. We should celebrate our newfound fondness with tea and strumpets!

Yes, I know I said strumpets. Yep, I know what it means. What’s the big deal? I’m sure we can find some down and dirty prostitutes who enjoy tea. Do you have a phonebook with an escort section? This is going to be the best Valentine’s Day ever!

You what?! No hookers?! What holiday do you think this is, Easter? I’m pretty sure Hallmark had callgirls in mind when they invented Valentine’s Day. Most ladies have discount rates! You can’t beat that.

All right, we’ll do it your way ” no prostitutes. I promise. They’re just a luxury. It’ll be just you and me tonight. Hand in hand. With the money I was saving for the prostitutes, I think I’ll buy you a card, flowers, chocolates, coke, perfume, the works. It may not be what I’m used to, but it should be a pretty nice little evening. You deserve it, you little passion-flavored muffin.

Of course I mean cocaine! Were you expecting soda pop? It’s the 1990s, babe ” get real! We need to get high if you want to get down, ya dig?

OK, you’re right. It’s 2006. Whatever. It still doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun. I don’t know why you’re such a party pooper all of the sudden. We have something special here. If you really loved me, you’d adapt to my lifestyle. I’m a columnist, sweetheart. Coke and whores come with the territory.

You thought I was a different person? What kind of excuse is that? Just give me another chance… please. I didn’t know you were such a prude. It’s fine, really. We’ll lay off the coke tonight. Let me give you directions to my motel, and we’ll meet up around midnight, K?

“Let’s not?” What are you, a moron? This is how I handle all my lovers! Since you’re my Valentine, I could probably fit you in at 10 p.m. Would that work? I’m famous, kid ” remember that.

Ugh. Yeah, I’m also beginning to think this wasn’t meant to be. You’re repulsive, anyway. And you couldn’t find true love if it was injecting you full of barbiturates. Have a crappy Valentine’s Day, you crazy schmuck.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected].