Dear Dr. Date,

Alright, I’ll be upfront — I’m from University of Wisconsin – Madison. I promise I’m working to change my implicit biases against Goldy Gopher, but until then, I need some help. I just transferred this semester and have been enjoying the fine people Minnesota has to offer via Tinder. I’ve been regularly hanging out with this one guy since I moved up in January and it’s been a great time — college rivalry makes the sex interesting!

Well, it’s a little too interesting now. See, a week and a half ago someone tested positive for coronavirus at the UW-Madison hospital, and ever since, my new man has been … terrified. I was visiting a friend nearby within the same time period, but I feel totally fine! There’s absolutely no reason for him to be concerned, but he’s practically trying to quarantine me. He told me we were going out to a party then took me to a hospital “preemptively” “in case I threw up while drinking” (what?!) and told them I had been to Wisconsin recently. Every time we hang out, he wears a mask and gloves. And yet he still wants to hook up?!

I don’t know if he’s paranoid, a hypochondriac or just hates Wisconsinites. How do I make him realize I am completely healthy?!

Sincerely,

Not Even Bud Light

Dear Not Even Bud Light,

Ah, the trials and tribulations of being from Wisconsin. I’m not going to say you deserve it, but…

Okay, you’re right, this is ridiculous. I don’t know how great this man is, but he can’t be worth the hassle of trying to convince him you don’t have freaking CORONAVIRUS. I say you ditch him outside of Boynton, where he can ask every patient coming and going if they’ve been tested. But if for some reason you’re determined to be with him, you’re going to have to get evaluated for real. Film the doctor saying you’re clean, or something? Hey, at least you’ll have the record for the future — everyone should make sure their sexual partner is upfront about STIs, but you’ll be the only one presenting a portfolio like that. 

Sincerely,

Dr. Date