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Campus Caucus: Matchmaker

You asked, we matched.
Image by Wejdan al Balushi
Have these lonely hearts found their true love?

Valentine’s Day may be long over, but at the Minnesota Daily, love is in the air!

This past week, readers submitted responses to our Campus Matchmaker Poll in hopes of finding the person of their dreams. After careful consideration, the mighty Brain Trust that is the Opinions desk has compiled five couples we believe are perfect matches for one another.

Note: Gender preferences were not considered when assigning these couples. We’re here to connect souls, not sexualities.

Couple 1: Crow and Pearl

Crow is an animal science major who loves all things farm-related and owns two “lovely” cockroaches.

Pearl is an environmental science, policy and management major who loves being near water.

For the first date, we recommend (per Crow’s request) a five-hour “cowboy camping” trip up North, which involves sleeping outdoors without shelter.

What could bring two people closer together than roughing it in Minnesota wilderness? Think of “Naked and Afraid” but with clothes on. 

And we’re confident that in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Pearl will have a chance to be near water. It’s a win for everyone involved.

Couple 2: Gideon and Michael

Gideon is a music education major who loves to read and draw. 

Michael is studying mechanical engineering and drinks an equal amount of coffee and beer.

Could you ask for a more perfect pairing? 

Not only do they both share a love for manga and anime, but they’re self-proclaimed music and art nerds with a love for playing video games.  

For a first date, we recommend a trip to a coffee shop where they can talk about their shared interests. We expect the conversation to flow smoothly, especially if Michael follows a latte with a can of Hamm’s beer.

Couple 3: Aidan and Anthony

Aidan is a third-year in biology who loves tabletop gaming and existentialist philosophy.

Anthony is a first-year electrical engineering grad student and “respectful of boundaries.”

Considering the dreadful nature of existential conversation (aimless, inflammatory, unsatisfying), we think Aidan’s openness to discussion and Anthony’s humility will create a well-balanced dynamic.

For a first date, we recommend meeting up at a trashy nightclub in Minneapolis. Your best bet is probably the Gay 90s, where you’ll be forced to make meaning out of a space filled with neon lights instead of genuine human connection — an existential challenge, to say the least. 

If you can get over the shared trauma of witnessing 35-year-old men hit on college first-years, you’ll be able to endure anything together.

Couple 4: Sophia and Julia

Sophia is a global studies major who works two jobs and talks “so much.”

Julia is an architecture major whose schedule is too busy to partake in any of her hobbies.

We think Sophia’s affinity for yapping and Julia’s heavy workload will create the perfect scenario: as Julia mindlessly completes homework assignments, Sophia will have a captive audience to talk ad nauseam about her seven tattoos, CD collection and passion for cooking. 

For a first date, we recommend the scenario just described. 

Couple 5: Cade and Christopher

Cade is a supply chain major who loves exploring Minneapolis and collecting plastic bags.

Christopher is a linguistics major who will “come around to anything given enough time.”

Considering Christopher’s open-mindedness (particularly toward learning about NASCAR, electoral politics and the interstate highway system) and Cade’s sense of adventure, we can imagine this couple spending hours discussing niche subjects and doing whatever people do with plastic bags when they collect them.

For the first date, we recommend a walk underneath the Washington Avenue Bridge, where plastic bags abound.

Finding genuine romance in college seems an improbable task, but when has the Opinions desk ever been wrong? 

Perhaps the paths of these lovers will never intertwine, but in the eyes of the Minnesota Daily, their souls are forever bound under the abiding force of true love. 

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  • Zukerburg (not that one)
    Apr 2, 2024 at 9:40 am

    I loved this article Señor Huppke, hope you do more of these in the future! This one reminds me of a salad!