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Dear Dr. Date,

I had a weird experience over Thanksgiving.

My family has a tradition of going out to the family barn and picking our best turkey to kill and eat.

I had the duty of picking the turkey this year, so I headed out to the lot and did my searching with my family. When my family selected the turkey for me to kill, my dad picked it up by the neck and the bird looked right at me, gave me a wink and I kinda got turned on.

So I refused to kill this bird and I feel it’s my new best friend in the barn.

Is this weird?

– I’m a turkeysexual

Dear I’m a turkeysexual,

It’s weird but totally believable.

Your little story tells me you have a heart. You don’t like it when innocent animals are slaughtered for food.

But now that I think about it a little more, your story is nothing like that. Instead, it just tells me you’re not gettin’ any. Along comes a sly bird, she winks at you and now you’re crushing.

It’s not strange for people to become attached to animals as pets, but as lovers?

Are you sure you want a mate that can’t cook, clean or give you human children? Heck, she can’t even talk – which might not be a completely awful thing.

Can you imagine, though, trying to make-out with that beak?

And not to be completely superficial or anything, but what about that gizzard? Do you really think that thing is going to turn you on forever? They’re actually kind of gross-looking, don’t you think? Obviously not, if the whole turkey gets you going.

Anyway, my advice is to seriously think how far this relationship is going to go. One of these days, that turkey is just not going to do it for you anymore. You need to make sure you’re not wasting your time in an endless relationship – one that you know can’t go anywhere but where it is at present.

In the words of your turkey friend, “Gobble, gobble.”

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr Date,

I have a friend who has been dating this guy for about three months. They have a pretty standard, healthy relationship, but lately he told her about a weird relationship he has with his pet.

He has a guinea pig named Martha that he has had ever since they were dating. He told her that he likes it when the guinea pig sleeps in the bed because it turns him on when it nibbles his toes under the covers.

She has expressed to him how this weirds her out and that it is not OK with her, but he is somewhat persistent.

He has told her that his old girlfriends didn’t have a problem with his fetish, so she shouldn’t either. He says that if she loves him, she should love his guinea pig also. She really likes him, so she doesn’t know what to do. Please advise! 

– Nibbled nuts

Dear Nibbled nuts,

The girl needs to dump the nibbled man.

It’s one thing to fall in love with your pet, but it’s another to allow that pet to give you pleasure on a nightly basis.

Pets should be viewed as an extension of family. By sleeping with his pet in a sexual manner, he is actually acting incestuously. A pet is like a brother, sister or child, not a lover.

Your friend needs to get out of the relationship and find somebody who has a normal relationship with his or her beloved pet.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I was walking through Northrop Mall yesterday and I noticed a squirrel.

This was a handsome squirrel, with a supple body and a luscious, luxurious coat of deep, gun-metal gray. He seemed like a squirrel that could provide with his large storehouse of nuts. I noticed him from afar, and as I closed in, we made brief eye contact. Although I couldn’t be sure, I think the squirrel felt the same thing I did in that brief moment.

Do you have any advice for how I might be able to take this fleeting exchange and turn it into something more?

– Animal lover

Dear Animal lover,

Your predicament is a hard one to assess.

There are so many squirrels running amok on Northrop Mall that I don’t even know where you would begin to find your fine, furry friend.

I know you think you had a “moment” with this little critter, but you must realize that you were probably eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and your brief encounter was nothing more than the squirrel looking for some extra nourishment before the long winter.

I think you’re kind of out of luck. It might be time to move on and find someone new. “Fluffy,” over there on the mall, has probably already mated and is ready to start a family for the winter. Don’t put too much stock into those fleeting glances with the squirrels. They’re all nice and lovey-dovey until you give them the food. Then, they’ll run away and take your heart with them.

There must be some sort of secret society within the squirrel nation that teaches them all to be teases. You’re better off without him.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m having some serious relationship troubles. I think you’ll understand.

You know how a dog is supposed to be man’s best friend, right?

Well, my dog (Let’s call her “dog”) doesn’t seem to understand how this relationship is supposed to work.

She doesn’t sit, heel or roll-over. She doesn’t even come when I ask her to.

Can you help me mend my friendship? 

– Puzzled with pooches

Dear Puzzled with pooches,

Do you ever think you’re expecting too much from your pooch?

Does she comfort you? Does she make you happy when you see her? Is your day ruined when she doesn’t come running to the door with her tail wagging when you get home from school?

These are the questions you need to consider before you start ragging on her for not sitting or rolling over.

Don’t stress over the fact that she isn’t able to comprehend your every word. Just remember that she’s listening to you when you talk. She’s there to be a comforting friend when times are rough. She’s not there to be at your beck and call.

– Dr. Date