>Dr. Date,

About two weeks ago my roommates and I threw down an awesome party; however I made the mistake of inviting some random classmates from my classes to it.

This girl showed up toward the end and I was, at that time, totally wasted. To take a break from regulating on the people coming into our house, I danced with her cause she didn’t seem to know anyone and was talking to me the whole time, so I figured what the hell.

One thing led to another and we ended up kissing and after that she left, but the weird thing was the next day. She e-mailed me saying she had to talk to me then somehow found my cell phone number and called me saying that she really liked me and wanted to date me.

Now to me this sounds rather scary, especially since it was just a kiss. My roommates think she is a psycho and I am beginning to agree.

How do I get the message across that I am not interested and a little freaked out without sounding mean? I don’t want to come off as a jerk.

– Cursed kisser dude

Dear Cursed kisser dude,

I’m sure there are tons of people in your current condition.

Psycho girls suck. You give them one “Hello” or a kiss and they think you’re going to propose marriage or something.

Girls tend to overanalyze the little things guys do to an extent that they develop this warped sense that there is something more to your relationship than there really is. So, for your benefit, and the benefit of the rest of Dateworkia, I’ve compiled a list. So here you go.

Top 10 ways to lose a psycho girl:

10) Shower her with affection and stalk her until she believes you’re the psycho and ditches you.

9) Mess around with her sister.

8) Tell her “Make me a sandwich,” at lunch and dinner every day.

7) Join the witness protection program.

6) Pour beer on her – but make sure she knows it was no accident by laughing at her and doing it a second time.

5) Mess around with her mom.

4) Start talking to her best friend more than her.

3) Start having all your dates at a strip club.

2) Urge her to become one of the strippers.

1) Tell her you can’t wait to take a spring break trip with the guys to “Get away.”

Good luck.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Whenever I get drunk and am around boys, I like to smack their asses. Do I have a psychological problem?

Thanks,

– Likes to smack the booty

Dear Likes to smack the booty,

Not so much a psychological problem as a problem of not getting any.

Your tendency to smack the ass is a reflection of the fact you are not in a relationship but want to be.

When you drink, you lose your inhibitions. The fact you’re smacking guys on the butt shows your sexual frustration.

I don’t think you really have to worry about smacking them, as long as you’re not offending the guys. If they ask you to stop, then stop. But until you scratch that sexual itch, I’m sure you’ll continue to act the only way you know how.

So enjoy that extra contact you’re getting, just don’t let it get out of hand.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My friend is obsessed with the Gopher hockey team, but one player in particular (we’ll leave him nameless).

Should I be encouraging this behavior by helping her to stalk him and by trying to buy his underpants on eBay for her for Christmas? Or should I step up the encouragement by helping her kidnap him (a la National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)?

Signed,

– Drunk dial receiver

Dear Drunk dial receiver,

So you have a jersey chaser for a friend?

Not to worry, there are tons of them and the jersey-wearers love them. Talk about an ego trip when a girl goes up to one of the hockey players and professes her undying love and proclaims herself to be his number one fan.

The fact your friend is obsessed with the hockey team is not going to change. She’s probably had season tickets for years and can’t go out Friday and Saturday nights during hockey season because she’s glued to the television or on her feet at Mariucci Arena.

So my advice to you is not to go as far as the kidnapping, but definitely try to find his underpants. Or his sock. Or even his jock strap. She’ll be in heaven and love you forever.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years now. I think we have a pretty open relationship, but there is one thing that I lie to him about.

I told him that I don’t fart. Most guys hate that including my boyfriend, so I lied to him. I told him that I have a high metabolism and that is why I don’t have to fart.

Every once in a while when I really can’t hold it in, he seems to start looking for the source of the smell, but he doesn’t even ask me any more because I have sworn to him up and down that I don’t fart.

I know this is silly, but I am really getting sick of lying. But since I have been with him for over two years, I feel it is too late to confess.

I was thinking of telling him that I am taking new vitamins or something that all of a sudden make me fart. I know that is lying to cover up the original lie, but then I was thinking that I would just say that now I can’t stop. Do you think that is a good idea? Please help.

– Gassy pants

Dear Gassy pants,

Wow. You need to stop lying. Your guy is seriously dense if he believes you don’t pass gas.

You say you’re lying to him, but you’re only lying to yourself. He knows you fart. Everyone does.

You don’t have to say anything to him. Just rip one in front of him and don’t make an excuse about vitamins. Just say it was the beans or something. He’ll laugh or make some witty remark and all will be fine.

You’ll never have to lie about farting again.

– Dr. Date