Dr. Date,

Since entering my college years, I have had troubles finding the right girl and what not. I feel like I’m in that stage of trying to find that perfect one and every time I feel like there’s a spark flaring, it dies out. Well it wasn’t until one month ago when I met the most glamorous and sweetest girl in the world.

She’s got voluptuous lips, a petite figure and a killer booty. To top it off she has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. I mean, every time we go out, I feel like I’m on cloud nine. My heart throbs every time I even think of her; she’s everything to me. However, there’s a little problem. She’s 34 and I’m 19.

That’s only the little problem. The huge problem is that she’s my mom’s friend. Help me please.

– Orange lavaburst

Dear Orange lavaburst,

So you’re obsessed with your mom’s friend? That’s kind of creepy. Isn’t that kind of like dating your mom?

This killer booty – is it because she’s had children?

Do you realize she was 15 and smoking in the junior high bathroom while you were still a bun in the oven?

But in all sincerity, if you’re really attracted to her and the feeling is mutual, the age gap really isn’t that huge.

You have to think about how this relationship will turn out before you begin dating her. Remember she’s in her mid-30s and probably looking to settle down.

Are you ready for that? You’re only 19 years old. Are you ready to be a husband and have a family? That’s the biggest question you need to answer before you try to start something up with her.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My boyfriend and I are in love, and he is really good at showing it nearly all of the time, except when he is playing poker. I saw your ad in the paper on Nov. 5, so I thought I would ask.

He even plays on the Internet at different game sites. It is not for any money, just points but he gets really into it. I can be laying on the bed all seductive in my cutest bra and panties, and he will only look at me for a second during game intermission! Although otherwise he would be on the bed with me in less than a second. What is up?

– Pokered out

Dear Pokered out,

He’s obviously not worth your time. Good lord, he’s not even playing poker for money to buy you things.

Dump the douche.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m attracted to a quiet classmate, but can’t tell whether his silence is due to apathy, conceit or real shyness. (When he talks he’s got good things to say.)

Is it even worth trying to draw him out of his shell, or should I just move on? What the hell’s with shy guys?

– Themis

Dear Themis,

Have you tried to talk to this guy?

That’s the first step you need to take. He’s probably just a shy guy. Although, he might not be interested in you. Has he ever talked to you?

If you like this guy and you think something might come of it, ask him out. Sit next to him in the next class and just ask, “How’s it going?” If he doesn’t respond, then he’s not worth your time, and you need to move on.

If he replies, and you start talking about something more, ask him out for coffee after class. If he says, “No,” then you’ve got your answer.

Play it cool, and maybe you’ll gain a new friend, if not a boyfriend.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have the hots for my boss, who’s only a year older than me. I don’t know how she feels about the whole employer-employee relationship thing. I hear it’s usually not a good idea. But I figure, what do I have to lose?

If anything it could boost my career, and I’d have an awesome g/f at the same time! It’s a win-win for me, but maybe not for her. What do you suggest I do?

– Willing worker

Dear Willing worker,

Actually, there is something you could lose. It’s called your job.

The good thing in your case is that your boss is only a year older than you. If you get the vibe that she’s into you, then go for it. Ask her out. But you’re going to want to be absolutely positive she wants to date you, because if she doesn’t, the office is going to feel super-cramped and uncomfortable.

When you’re thinking of dating in the workplace, you cannot think that by dating this person it will help your career. That’s absurd. Just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean he or she should give you any slack or compensation in the workplace.

In all honesty, dating in the workplace can work, but you two have to be able to work and play at different times. When you’re at work, you shouldn’t be fawning over each other. You need to separate your day life from your night life.

– Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I need some help.

I don’t want to sound too full of myself but I am the perfect girl.

I am a attractive (see Playboy), intelligent, funny and easy going. I was dating this guy for over a year and we just broke up (he cheated on me), I was crushed … but I am ready to move on.

The problem is that all I attract are frat boys and alcoholics. I want a good boy (no IT dorks … unless…) I want someone I can bring home to mom, that likes camping and is at least semi-intelligent. Am I asking too much? I am lost in a sea of patheticness.

HELP ME!

– Elle

Dear Elle,

Welcome to college. Have you gone to any of your classes? Maybe you’ll meet that perfect guy in freshman comp because you obviously need to take that class. He’ll help you realize “patheticness” is not a word, “a” shouldn’t come before a word beginning with a vowel and ellipses denote a portion of a conversation is missing.

The whole frat-boy-and-alcoholic thing – yeah, you need to stop going to frat parties.

When you’re telling people to see Playboy in reference to yourself, you’re basically telling them you’re an easy lay. That’s why the “fratties” and the “alchies” are fawning over you.

And bashing IT dorks, well, they are probably the guys your mom wants you to bring home because they’re the ones who are going to be able to support your reckless lifestyle.

So get on over to Church Street Southeast to scope out some IT hotties.

– Dr. Date