EOne of my friends dated a guy a while back who cheated on her (we’ll call him Tiny Tim), and broke up with her after she told him about an ex of hers who sexually assaulted her. When she told Tiny Tim how upset she was with him for cheating on her, his snappy comeback was, “I don’t understand – why are you so upset?” (Duh, moron, because girls love to be cheated on and love knowing that incubus demon freaks like Tiny Tim know really personal stuff about them.)

Needless to say, said friend was not in a very good emotional state after this – she said she felt worse than she did after her original ex (not Tiny Tim) assaulted her. Now that she’s doing much better, it’s time for revenge One possibility is lighting a cigarette as he walks by, which is sure to ignite his overly-gelled up hair. However, I’m not enthusiastic about the possibility of doing jail time – Can you suggest any tortures for short greasy-haired dorks that won’t land us in the Hennepin County jail?

-Desperately seeking revenge

Dear Desperately seeking revenge,

A lot of the letters I receive are about how gutless members of our student body can never ask anybody out. You, on the other hand, present a much more intriguing problem.

Revenge is a dicey subject to tackle for a medical professional specializing in dating. But because your problem is one that many readers think about, this calls for a top-10 list of the best ways to get back at ex-boyfriends.

Top 10 ways to even the score

10) Teach yourself Photoshop and go crazy.

9) Start spreading rumors about how he was lousy in the sack. They’ll spread like wildfire.

8) Get a voodoo doll and paste his picture to it. Impale it with blunt objects. Burn it, blow it up, scrape it into a bell jar and implode it. Weed Whack it and send it on a rocket into the middle of the sun. Simultaneously, if you can manage it.

7) Take his underwear, run it under water and put it in the freezer. Talk about a chilling surprise when he looks for some ice cream. Voila – revenge is a dish best served cold.

6) Sign him up to receive free recruiting information from the Army. Talk about an army of one, soldier. The recruiters will never leave him alone.

5) Get one of your male friends to take a leak into his shampoo bottle. He’ll never know.

4) Buy a billboard in the trashy area of town that advertises strippers. Put his phone number on it.

3) Tell him you’re pregnant. With twins.

2) Take the sexually transmitted infections test results from that dodgy friend of yours. Put your ex’s name on it before making photocopies. Send it to all his ladies.

1) Tell everybody he’s in a frat – the best revenge of all.

Dear Dr. Date,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. Ever since school started we have both been so busy with work and school that we very rarely get to spend time together, and when we do, it’s usually used to do homework, eat, sleep, or do other necessaries. Sometimes I feel like if I’m not the one who asks him on a date or to hang out, we won’t. What do you think we could do to stay more connected with our already jam-packed schedules?

-In need of a little TLC

Dear In need of a little TLC,

Show him this letter. Problem solved. If not, dump him. Ha ha.

-Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’ve got a problem and maybe you can help. I’m your average single guy on campus but lately I have been having troubles meeting the ladies. I’ve had many people tell me I am the “marrying/boyfriend” type and you would think, if this were true, that I would have no trouble finding a great girl.

But it seems that whenever I meet a girl lately she ends up being crazy. For example, a few weeks ago I was talking to this girl on the phone, and we had been talking for about 20 minutes when she started to do her thing on the phone and she just ended up being crazy.

Now I’m your average, red-blooded American guy, but after 20 minutes, jeez! What can I do to attract the right women?

-Sick of crazies

Dear Sick of crazies,

If you really want to meet girls on campus, you should reference the top-10 list I printed last week about the best ways to meet girls.

The question should not be, “What can I do to attract the right women?” But, “How can I find the right women?”

Read our earlier advice, and go on the hunt. Your problem is that you’re not searching for girls whom you would have something in common with. You’re just searching for anybody who will fill a spot. The right girls won’t necessarily come to you.

-Dr. Date