Dear Dr. Date,

I haven’t been having much luck with Tinder lately. I’m newly single and am dipping my toes into the dating pool, but I’m really inexperienced. So last week, I asked a friend of mine to help me refine my profile, and the first thing she said was “Do you have a dog?”

Apparently, it’s “scientifically proven” (according to her) that men who have an animal in their profile pictures get laid more than those who don’t. I wasn’t going to argue with that statistic, so I let her take some pics of me with her golden retriever and use them as my main photos. I could instantly see the results — I got three times the matches I used to get! 

Problem is, almost all of the conversations revolve around the dog. Yeah, he’s cute, but what about me?! Every girl’s intro is “omg I wanna meet your dog” and I don’t know what to do. I set up a date with a girl who hadn’t mentioned him, but she messaged me yesterday asking if “my puppy” will be with me. 

I don’t want to cancel my date, but I’m not trying to mislead women right off the bat. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Not Trying to Dogfish

Dear Not Trying to Dogfish,

Honesty is the best policy. Just kidding — time for a scam. First date, tell her the dog is at the vet. Establish that baseline of your dog being sick and get those sympathy points right away. Yeah, she’ll be disappointed, but she can’t really be mad. By the third date when she’s really wondering, break down in tears and tell her your dog really isn’t doing well. Cancel your fourth date, saying your dog died, then reschedule for the next day. Bam, truth avoided! 

If you want to establish the relationship on a basis of trust, actually tell her that it’s your friend’s dog. I guarantee it’s not the weirdest thing she’s seen on Tinder. And next time, add a “not my dog” in the profile — you can’t keep killing fake dogs forever.

Sincerely,

Dr. Date