Dear Dr. Date,

When my new girlfriend confessed her side job was freelancing for people who had a sexy taste in books, I was thrilled. What’s better than having a super hot girlfriend? A super hot girlfriend who writes erotic novels. After some urging, she told me her pen name, and I looked her up online. Not only is she fairly successful on Amazon charts, her writing is ridiculously hot — I couldn’t pull myself away, and I’m not exactly a Fifty Shades of Grey fan. 

After reading her most recent book (something about a muscular firefighter who does a little more than rescue a damsel in distress), I was ready to put words into action. When I went to her apartment the next day, I was prepared to get naughty — until she opened the door and gasped at my sexy firefighter costume leftover from Halloween. I thought it was out of surprise, but she slammed the door in my face! After I pounded on the door for a while as her neighbors awkwardly walked by, she let me in. She said just because she writes those things doesn’t mean she actually wants to do them. Apparently, she does it for the money and has no interest in recreating the fantasy.

Dr. Date, I’m devastated. How can I convince her that real-life action will make her books even better?

Sincerely,

Checking Her Out

Dear Checking Her Out,

You said she’s a freelancer, which means she is most likely paid by someone who has a specific thing they’re into. Just because she’s great at writing BDSM doesn’t mean she’s secretly wanting someone to tie her up with a fire hose. If she trusted you enough to give you her pen name, she trusted you enough to not surprise her with something so drastic — at least put on the costume after you’re in her apartment! Ask if any of her novels stemmed from personal fantasies, then you both can consider buying some outfits. Until then, lay off her erotica — it’ll make your sexual FOMO even worse. (And… any idea how much she makes per book? Dating advice columnists have tuition to pay and writing experience…)

Sincerely,

Dr. Date