Hey Dr. Date!

I’ve been seeing an amazing guy – hot, smart, funny, good job prospects… Definitely a good catch. He’s in Carlson, and seems pretty smart with finance and all that – another good quality, since it’s always kinda nice to know that someone is good with money.

BUT this is also part of the issue – after the whole “stock market drop” happened, it’s like I’m suddenly secondary! He’s determined to take advantage of the market while it’s down. I don’t think he’s even made $100 on stocks yet, but that’s clearly not stopping him. All he can talk about right now is “volatility,” “private equity” and “making gains.” Honestly, I’m pretty sure most of the stuff he’s been saying is just quoted from “The Wolf of Wall Street,” but I don’t wanna start anything by calling him out on it.

The worst part was when we were in bed together. I was nice and cozy, and I thought he was too, until I looked over my shoulder and saw that he was on his phone the whole time. At 9 a.m., while PRETENDING to cuddle with me, this guy was buying stock, literally behind my back. When I called him out on it he just said “buy low sell high, baby” and gave me finger guns. Finger guns, in bed.

I genuinely don’t know whether this is just a phase, or if he’s actually just like this all the time. I totally understand that money management is important, and I think it’s cool that he cares about personal finance, but this is clearly getting out of hand, right? Help!

Not Stonks

Dear Not Stonks,

Some people want access to their partner’s phone to make sure they’re faithful. Can you ask to see his phone and shut down his Robinhood account?

If he’s at this level, the guy is probably on WallStreetBets every day, so he might have just been trapped in an echochamber for the past month. Bring him back to the light and tell him he’s welcome to short Tesla another time, but if this continues while in bed, you’ll drop him faster than the S&P 500. Is $100 worth never having sex?

Sincerely,

Dr. Date