Dear Dr. Date,

I just started dating my girlfriend last month, and I have to say, it’s amazing. She’s kind, she’s smart and I love being around her. We haven’t necessarily had any fights or anything like that, except for a few small things, and I’ve taken that as a positive sign that we have a great shot at staying together for a while.

But last week, she brought me a contract to sign. It listed off my “duties” as her boyfriend in a job description. Most of it made sense to me. She wants me to be nice to her and her family, get her presents on her birthday, stuff like that. It’s definitely weird that she wants it in the first place, but I’ve never really had a girlfriend before and I like her so much it doesn’t really bother me. But then I got to the bottom of it. It said “other duties as assigned.” What does that even mean? Doesn’t that mean I have to do pretty much whatever she wants me to do? Help!

Sincerely,

The Contractual Lover

Dear The Contractual Lover, 

First off, the University Student Legal Service’s phone number is 612-624-1001. Get help.

You’ve gotten yourself stuck between a rock and a lonely place. I’m sure the prospect of having a serious girlfriend sounds great right now, but I need you to stay strong for the City Boys.

While you may think it would be worth your blood, sweat and tears, nothing is worth your integrity. If you sign that contract, you would be at her beck and call; you would have to constantly plan lavish dates, get that rid of that rank smell that comes from her bathroom from time to time and you may even be forced to write advice columns against your will. Take my advice, young one, and stay far away from her. Trust me — it isn’t worth it.

Sincerely,

Dr. Date