Dr. Date: I’m having Anthony Fauci role play problems.

Managing a partner’s “public health risk” kink during a global pandemic.

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Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My girlfriend and I have been weathering lockdown together since March of last year, and I can’t believe how close it’s made us. I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as much as I love her, and I feel like I’ve never known myself better than I do when she’s around. Which is dope.

But last week, she told me we need to spice things up in the open-concept-bedroom.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for diversity and inclusivity in every respect. But when she suggested “public health roleplay,” I was a little thrown.

At first, it was nothing serious. Once, she pretended our kitchen was the Dinky Target and walked around without a mask on, while I was supposed to be the cashier who had to kick her out. Another time she sent me camera roll Snaps of her partying on Frat Row so I would cyberbully her.

I’m starting to get worried now, though. She started calling me “Daddy Fauci” on Thursday and keeps threatening to go stand in line at Sally’s. What do I do?

Anxiously,
Safe, sane and six-feet-apart


Dear Safe, sane, and six-feet-apart,

While I definitely don’t advocate kinkshaming generally, I think this instance might prove an exception to my rule. College is definitely the time to find yourself; I’d be more worried about the novel human virus finding you first.

Yes, it is good to support local businesses. And yes, a (properly negotiated) kink is always something partners should feel comfortable exploring with one another. However, I don’t think the combination of the three is something Gov. Tim Walz and the legislators had in mind when lifting COVID restrictions. No, in this case, I think your girlfriend was a little too preoccupied with whether or not she could, and she didn’t stop to think if she should.

Next time, might I suggest a saucy “special Doordash delivery tip” scene instead?

Sincerely,
Dr. Date

Are you romantically bewildered? Are you sexually consternated, and is your relationship status a little too complicated? Want advice from the Minnesota Daily’s in-house love doctor? Email Dr. Date at [email protected].