Dear Dr. Date, 

Freshman year of college, I fell for the most dreamy hunk. He was in Pike, we both danced to “Sicko Mode” together in frat basements on Friday nights. It was a true modern love story. 

Then, I declared my sociology major sophomore year, and he decided to go into finance. The frats were no longer the place to be on Friday nights, and our interests diverged. I stopped listening to Travis Scott and began listening to Japanese Breakfast. He never caught up. He still thinks Drake is the king of rap, unironically…

He talked to me about stocks (spoiler alert: I don’t give a shit about stocks), and he never listened when I told him there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism. He won’t even put his pronouns in his bio even after I made a proposition that, if he did, I’d take him to his favorite store (Bass Pro Shop).

We’re no longer our freshman year selves, but I don’t want to let him go. As I see it, the options are A) I’m lonely and simply don’t want to find someone else; B) He isn’t terrible, he’s just interested in the stock market. 

Is it time to say goodbye? 

Signed, 

Karly Marx 

Dear Karly Marx, 

Sounds like a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. The revolution will not wait for your boyfriend’s hedge fund to become woke. I bet he still asks for whole milk in his iced lattes. Is this what you want in a man? A WHOLE MILK drinker? Nah. 

It’s time to move on from your gaslighting stocks bf and find a gaslighting cuffed jean Tame Impala leftist hottie bf with commitment issues. This will be better for you, I’m sure. 

When you say he isn’t terrible, he’s just interested in the stock market, aren’t those things one and the same? Asking for a friend. Also, can I get his contact after y’all breakup? I’m trying to buy some GameStop stocks with my stimulus check and would love some insider intel. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Date

Are you romantically bewildered? Are you sexually consternated, and is your relationship status a little too complicated? Want advice from the Minnesota Daily’s in-house love doctor? Email Dr. Date at [email protected].