In the last couple of years, I, along with many others, have noticed troubling changes within established institutions. From marriage and education to even the workplace, there has been a sense that something about how we have engaged with society is just not right. 

Why do medium-ugly men cheat on beautiful women? Why did my best friend stop talking to me when I got a boyfriend? Is the love of my life really not at the bar?

These are just some of the questions I hear every day from average people trying to navigate love and life.

And it’s clear to me that all of these problems come down to one simple truth: Heterosexuals are ruining society.

In the age of Clairo, heterosexuality’s relevance in popular culture has slowly diminished. Naturally, we have seen a response from straight activists demanding retribution, a return to cultural hegemony and a recognition that, hey, their problems matter, too!

Let’s look at the male loneliness epidemic. It would be one thing to allow men to have a space to discuss their concerns with developing deep, intimate relationships outside of their romantic partners. However, what we’re actually seeing is a bunch of whiny, heterosexual men unable to get laid, likely due to their Reddit addictions and $300 monthly Zyn budgets.

They want to blame women, but when a baddie finally takes a chance on the poor, lonely heterosexual male, he inevitably fumbles the bag. Megan Thee Stallion deserved better anyway.

Speaking of manchildren, pop star Sabrina Carpenter has taken the world by storm, writing music lamenting the broken world of heterosexual partnership. This came to a head when she wrote a song requesting her lover to “Please Please Please” not embarrass her publicly, only for him to, of course, embarrass her publicly.

Unfortunately, heterosexual women are no better. I’m not alone in having lost many beautiful friends to the dreaded year-long situationship. Tears are shed, plans are cancelled and classes are skipped all over a “You up?” text from a man who wears dirty socks and doesn’t refill the toilet paper before she comes over.

For centuries, the media has led us to believe heterosexuality is the natural state of the world. 

But tell me, does this sound natural to you? 

The reality is that men and women are fundamentally different entities, socialized to find comfort within each other. 

Some may say these differences draw them together. I could not disagree more.

Women, who are naturally logical thinkers, are driven mad by the inane instincts of the college frat guy. Men, on the other hand, are pressured into relationships with women whose beauty and wit intimidate their fragile male egos. Men, to put it simply, just can’t handle all that. 

So they behave erratically, leaving their girlfriends on read, only to respond hours later with a Snap that’s 20% their face and 80% the wall of their gym’s locker room.

When their girlfriends, talking stages, or, god forbid, sneaky links respond reasonably to such actions, they switch the blame, arguing women are the emotional ones, expecting far too much of a business major with no job and who was kicked out of Tau Kappa Alpha for not paying dues.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m prejudiced against the heterosexual community. I’m just trying to ask questions and traverse an intellectual ground few have dared explore, for fear of upsetting the anti-woke agenda that is trying to reclaim the mainstream.

In contrast, we have started to see the joy, life and warmth of same-sex partnerships. From “Heated Rivalry” to the WNBA, queer art has reminded us what love can truly look like.

At least I’ve never seen my gay male friends cry over a guy they met on Grindr.

Whenever you bring up these inherent differences between men and women, inevitably, there’s always someone quick to bring up counterexamples, like Zendaya and Tom Holland or your grandparents.

But exceptions do not prove a rule, and it’s time to look at the evidence before us: centuries of failed marriages, lost talking-stages and years-long arguments over how to fill the dishwasher. When is the right time to say the heterosexual experiment has failed?

As a bisexual with a straight boyfriend, I’m empathetic to the heterosexual cause. However, even I recognize the illogical reality of choosing an opposite-sex partner.

It starts today. And it starts with me. 

So, if you’re reading this, it’s over. You know who you are.